{"id":4383,"date":"2012-07-12T12:49:59","date_gmt":"2012-07-12T02:49:59","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.zenashapter.com\/blog\/?p=4383"},"modified":"2012-07-12T12:49:59","modified_gmt":"2012-07-12T02:49:59","slug":"i-have-a-secret-a-confession-for-my-friends","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/zenashapter.com\/blog\/i-have-a-secret-a-confession-for-my-friends\/","title":{"rendered":"I have a secret. A confession for my friends…"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cThe edge of normal\u201d<\/h3>\n

Dear Friends,<\/p>\n

You know me better than anyone. You know that I\u2019m a confident, self-assured woman. You\u2019ve seen me walk into a room full of strangers and make friends within minutes. You know I have a mind of my own, and that I\u2019m comfortable in myself.<\/p>\n

And all of that is real.<\/p>\n

However, there\u2019s another side to me that you don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

Secret destruction… we all do it.
Including me.<\/p><\/div>\n

You see\u2026 when I am alone, I destroy myself. This is the artist in me, the sensitive side of me that enables me to turn experience into art. And that side of me thinks too much sometimes. Sometimes, when I\u2019m alone, my thoughts turn to what I did and said wrong in that room full of strangers. I think about the opinions I heard in that room and wonder if I should hold the same too. I tut and roll my eyes when I think about the awful impression I must have made \u2013 who does that writer think she is? Then comes the worse thought\u2026 I\u2019m wasting my time by writing at all.<\/p>\n

When I\u2019m thinking logically, of course I know I\u2019m not wasting anything. My heart drives me forward and that can never be wrong. Still my mind punches me in the gut and laughs at my stupidity for ever thinking anything will come of it. Who am I? I am nothing. I\u2019m just one of the millions of other writers out there fooling themselves into thinking they\u2019re any good.<\/p>\n

So I tell myself to stop playing the fool \u2013 go do something that will actually make some money, provide for my children. That\u2019s when the tear ducts in my eyes pinch and I know the moment is about to go one way or another.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

I wouldn’t have it any other way.<\/p><\/div>\n

That\u2019s when I phone my husband and he tells me that, yes, I am stupid \u2013 for being so tough on myself. He tells me to open up any story I\u2019ve written and start reading. He waits until I do it. After a few paragraphs I feel better. I’ve led a fascinating life and my stories reflect this. All writers destroy themselves. Then we pick ourselves up, or someone does it for us, and we get on with it.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not just writers who do this of course. Who doesn\u2019t have moments like these?<\/p>\n

It\u2019s just that writers do these moments incredibly well and have them really, really often. We take ourselves to the edge of normal, then tell ourselves that we don\u2019t even belong there. We stare at distant objects. We listen to music that reaches deep inside us and twists things around. We analyse every detail, especially about ourselves. It\u2019s what makes us who we are; it makes us good at what we do. But it\u2019s also hard to live that way\u2026 in secret.<\/p>\n

So I just wanted to tell my friends\u2026 the next time we go for coffee or chat on the phone, and I wave you goodbye with a smile or say a cheery farewell\u2026 just know that as soon as I\u2019m alone, I\u2019ll be ripping myself to pieces again. Most writers are like this, and I\u2019m no different \u2013 despite the confident, comfortable real me that you know.<\/p>\n

Don’t get me wrong, though, I’m incredibly happy with my life \u2013 so privileged, exhilarated by it even. I consider myself lucky. It’s just that sometimes, sometimes… I’m a typical writer.<\/p>\n

And sometimes I feel the need to tell you: this is the life I lead.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cThe edge of normal\u201d Dear Friends, You know me better than anyone. You know that I\u2019m a confident, self-assured woman. You\u2019ve seen me walk into a room full of strangers and make friends within minutes. You know I have a mind of my own, and that I\u2019m comfortable in myself.\u2026<\/p>\n

Continue reading<\/i><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[6,7],"tags":[37,52,559,562,634,708],"class_list":["post-4383","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-personal-news","category-writer-advice","tag-analyse","tag-artist","tag-secret","tag-sensitive","tag-the-edge-of-normal","tag-writer"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/zenashapter.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4383","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/zenashapter.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/zenashapter.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/zenashapter.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/zenashapter.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4383"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/zenashapter.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4383\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/zenashapter.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4383"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/zenashapter.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4383"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/zenashapter.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4383"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}