Confident Beginnings

What if you could go back in time and tell the younger-you to be more confident about the paths you were or weren’t choosing in life? The circumstances into which we’re born, and the choices we make to expand or escape those circumstances, inevitably lead us to who we are today. So we could be cheating ourselves of some of the integral experiences that made us, the challenges that brought us wisdom, and the joys we found along the way.

Still, sometimes I wish I could tell younger-me to just embrace being a writer! When I was at school, however, it wasn’t considered a proper job. I remember taking a careers survey and, based on my strengths and interests, my options were: journalist, publisher, lawyer, or administrator. So I arranged work experience at newspapers, publishing companies, and law firms; during summer holidays I freelanced as an administration assistant; after graduating from university I put my English degree to good use by taking a job in publishing; then returned to university to study law and became an intellectual property solicitor and trade mark attorney. At every fork in my path, I wasn’t 100% confident about my choices, but at the time it seemed the only way to go. Meanwhile…

Not once did I stop writing poetry, short stories, or planning novels I would one day write. Not once did I stop being passionate about whatever I wrote, spending hours indulging and developing my craft. Not once did those around me doubt that writing lay in my future.

Even so, I didn’t realise who I was; probably because I didn’t value who I was. Perhaps because the society of my time didn’t value writing enough to make it a career option. Perhaps because creative jobs weren’t as prevalent as they are today. Perhaps because my parents were hard-working practical people – my dad had left school at 12 to support his family through The Great Depression and become a cook, my mum had left school at 14 to become a hairdresser. Literature and creative writing were as foreign to them as the copious amounts of study I undertook to get me where I wanted to go in life. Or perhaps it was because I lacked confidence in my own abilities.

Oh, how writers love to lack confidence in their innate abilities! Who are we to pen the woes and tribulations of life and share our observations with others!

There is evidence for this in a portfolio I recently uncovered of my published work between the ages of 11-19. Yes, I wrote, illustrated and produced a humorous (yet politically incorrect) magazine for my classmates when I was 14. Yes, I founded a writers’ society when I was 16, and served as its president for two years. Yes, I won the school short story competition in Year 11, and had a few poems published in the school magazine.

But I also submitted many ‘Anon’ poems to the school magazine, and those were published too. Why did I submit them anonymously?

I think I was embarrassed. Re-reading them now, the poems are skilful enough for my age and lack of experience, but they’re all so beset with teenage existentialism. I think I remember not wanting people to think that alone represented me. After all, I consider myself a fairly optimistic person.

But it wasn’t until much later in life that I was able to separate my ability to write about a single moment or life experience, and the idea that the words I crafted didn’t have to represent me personally to readers. Back in 2017, my solo debut novel Towards White brought this into particular focus. Set in Iceland, it’s a science fiction thriller about where the electrical energy in our brains goes when we die. During its launch, readers constantly asked if the main character was based on me. No, I would tell them, that’s just how skilful I am, making you think that!

Being the multi-award-winning multi-published author I am today, I definitely have more confidence in my abilities! I’m fortunate enough to make a decent living with my words, to write every day, and to share my knowledge and experiences with others. And, when I look over my portfolio, I get to appreciate just how far younger-me has come. Perhaps it can also inspire you to be more confident in the paths you are and aren’t choosing in life, and where they might ultimately lead you.