Getting Support From Family & Partners

At the end of last year, a member of the writers’ group I run withdrew a piece of writing they’d submitted for critique due to a lack of confidence… inspired by their partner. She had shown her husband the piece, her first ever, and he hadn’t liked it.

This triggered a crisis of self doubt and confidence, and she withdrew her piece, the start of a novel, then deleted the whole novel from her computer. She believed her writing ‘sucked’ and endured ‘an agony of embarrassment’ for presuming she could ever be a writer. She also sought advice and comfort on Facebook, wondering ‘how do you cope with an unsupportive or negative partner?’. The number of comments she received had her rethinking. Thankfully she managed to recover her novel from the recycle bin and resubmitted her piece for critique. Phew!

In the process, however, as the group’s leader, I received comments and feedback rallying around this writer, with members declaring they also had unsupportive partners and family. It became such a hot topic, we even discussed it at our next meeting. It seems a lack of support is more common than might be expected. Here are some examples of how that lack of support materialised, many of which could also apply to other creative arts:

• One member’s partner continually said her writing was ‘rubbish’ (it isn’t).

• One member’s partner continually urged him to write a different genre and about different subjects – the ones she liked, as his favourites were inferior.

• One member’s partner resented her writing because of the time it occupied and the nature of writing itself. Writing is mostly an intangible activity (in the head and heart), whereas her partner wished she were a visual artist, creating a tangible output people could physically see.

• Many partners refused to read anything members had written, even when asked, even published work – unless they ‘made it to the big time’.

• On the other hand, one partner admitted to being intimidated by the prospect of the member’s possible success, so often belittled his writing dream, to maintain control.

• One partner objected to a member dropping from full to part time work to pursue their creative endeavours, due to the loss of income for him.

• One member’s father did say he liked a story, then later casually mentioned stories written in present tense were ‘stupid.’

• One member’s mother said she simply didn’t see him as ever being a professional, so what was the point?

• One member’s daughter burst into raucous laughter when reading a member’s work, which wasn’t a humorous story.

• One member’s mother was a huge reader, but said that novelists were socially awkward people who couldn’t get jobs and, if they wrote dark stories, their souls were dark.

So what if your partner or family are unsupportive of your creative endeavours? Here are some tips, based on advice discussed in my writing group and from Facebook commentators:

• Know that you are not alone – other creatives have unsupportive partners too. Thousands of creatives can support you instead! Many of us have people in our lives who don’t understand the creative life or process and that’s okay, we all have different interests and skills (which is why the creative arts have many genres and sub-genres, all equally valid).

• Remember there are many reasons to create, all of them good, and few of them are about other people, supportive or otherwise.

• Never let one person’s opinion be your ‘be all and end all’ and never throw your work away!

• Lots of partners don’t review their partner’s creative works. It can be a good thing (see tip below)! Partners can support you in other ways, with emotional support and encouragement – ask for that.

• Bear in mind that if you show non-creatives early work (especially family or partners who can be too generous or just plain tactless), they won’t know what they’re looking at, and can’t say what they feel about the work anyway because they don’t have the terminology or insight into craft to explain their reaction.

• If partners resent the time you put into your creative art, they might be concerned that the dynamics of your relationship will change if you’re successful. Reassure them.

• If partners or family don’t believe you’ll ever be a professional, remind them that you nonetheless enjoy what you do and want to work on getting better because you like it. If you played tennis, swam or scrapbooked, no one would immediately ask if you’re planning to be professional and, if not, you’re wasting their time. It should be the same with your creative activity.

• Remember, even famous and much loved creatives get ‘ho hum’ reactions and 1-star reviews. No creative can please everybody.

• If those you’re showing work to don’t even like your type of craft, bear in mind they’ll have little chance of liking your work. Avoid creating opportunities that might throw you off track.

Even if you employ all the above tips, even if you have a partner and family who support you wholeheartedly (as I do – thank you, family!), it’s still hard to find balance. Creative endeavours, family responsibilities and work all take up a lot of time, so clashes are inevitable.

The key is, of course, communication – talk things through. At the current time, no one can read minds, so others won’t know what you think or feel about your creative pursuit, or what you need or want in order to do it, unless you tell them; and of course vice versa.

For those related to or living with a creative, please be kind to them. It’s a tough world out there, and it needn’t be tough at home too. It can mean everything to a creative to have your support, and that can simply involve asking them how they’re going and expressing an interest. It’s actually fascinating work – creating something from nothing – so, you never know, it might inspire you to get more creative too!

What about you? Do you have any stories or advice for those struggling to get the support they need? Please comment to share!